I dropped all of my classes this last week and resigned up for new ones. I hit two waiting lists but I am very determined.

Why? Because I couldn’t live a lie dabbling with a two year nutrition degree. It was interesting, and sure I was good at it… but my heart isn’t with it. I had something pulling at me, calling me, and it wasn’t information on how to have a nutritious dinner.

So dig out the Twinkies and in-n-out burgers (so gross eww) and open the geology books. I am back on track with my dreams. I don’t mean the night terrors, I mean my dream of working with the earth as a Geologist. 2 years of CRC, 2 more years at University of Davis. All I have to do is pass pre-calculus, and then focus on the run of calculus and physics. It will be easy, I just gotta do it. so what if I work at Toys R Us for the next 2 years at least. I am good at it, and its not a bad job, I work with some great people.

So cheers to dreams and working with great people!!!

I am sitting here eating a “I cant believe its not Chicken” salad sandwich. Its tastey.. but more importantly I am struggling to find the words to explain what I cannot really explain to the average person, while I am eating it. I have this thing about thinking and eating. For some reason my mind works pretty well when I am chomping away on foods involving bread, meatish things or peanut butter.

Anyways, what I am thinking about. Well, for instants, my night terrors are back, random, but back. It seems I cant really stop them, I just get vacations every so often. But then, ive only had two so far for this past week, maybe that’s all I will get.

Nothing like wakening up feeling anxious and afraid, and sometimes even un sure of where you are until you get a grasp that reality has woken you. I just hope I don’t feel afraid to sleep again.

Dreams are beginning to effect my known reality slightly. After waking up from an odd dream about a coworker I recently worked closely with, I was looking at my photography on my wall. You know.. the photography I took with a really nice FILM camera? And in nearly every photo I began to see my ex. Just in remembering how I got the photo. He was there for all of it. and its sick to look at some of my greatest art and see the man I hate for fucking me up. And yet I leave them on my wall. The thing about art, the masterpieces are generally painful. They all convey powerful emotions, or indured them while in the making. So I leave them on my wall not as a painfull reminder of an ex, but because they have a great deal of my past emotions in them. Like all my art. It’s a piece of me I had nearly lost since my ex had broken up with me, I thought I was going to lose my talents completely. But I am starting to bring it back. I may post my recent making.. it a anime/comic artwork. I am in the process of digitally coloring it.

Soon I would like to shoot another roll of film.. I think I want to do portraits of the people I care for. Friends mostly.. but I am not sure. We will see what I can get to.

Any ways, I am supposed to be in bed… so I am cutting this blog short since I am finished eating. I gotta open Toys are Hell tomorrow.

See you on the other side

-Aly

I have felt rather devious for this past year, finding myself and all. Who am I? What do I want to do? Who do I want to do it with? And why am I having sex with a complete stranger to figure it all out? Well that’s how my thoughts were before December. Amazingly enough the sex did mellow me out enough to open up to the mysterious works of the the unhuman and super natural. Whatever you want to call it, Buddha, god, Allah, gia, ancient ancestors, pure luck, the fates… or perhaps even pure destiny. Whatever it was it led me to understand I wasn’t apathetic to the men around me because something was wrong with me, but it was to help me see in the faint off distance that my soul mate was near. And so now I found him. Now what? What diabolical plan to the theological world have in store now? Within the grasp of my pathetic human vision scale all I see is the possibility of me burning the bridges to the family I have been so close to all my life.

I am simply done with this college bullshit, how many more classes to I have to take to convince other humans, perhaps dumber then me, that I am qualified and motivated enough to go to a university and obtain the only thing standing between Toys r Us and a vast career opportunity. College is the only thing standing between me my family and my opportunity to move to another city and have a family with my “Soulmate”.

I find myself staring at the field on the otherside of my backyard fence, and oh my how much greener it is now matter how much I am watering my own backyard. I just want to get in my car, with my fiancée and just drive away and not look back. The ridiculous contradictions, rules and regulations … and “deals” of my parents have burned me from believing that unconditional love for their only daughter. Their own agendas seem to be aimed at keeping me under their roof forever and away from the only thing in this world that makes me ultimately happy. Their lies and harsh criticism has made me loose respect for them, and every day little by little I gain the courage to leave, as the respect fades and all that’s left is my own unconditional love… the kind of unconditional love that will make me show at their funerals rather then spend every aching moment trying to please them. I understand their point of view, but it is in no way close to mine. “you cant marry him because he isn’t in school” was the one that hit me hard recently. What in the name of any merciful theological God(s) would any parent tell their child they couldn’t marry their soulmate over an insignificant man made qualification that could be obtained at any time. Above all why would any mother whom has their own soulmate they are happily married to say anything in regards to marrying a man for money over love. “Love isn’t enough”… something I hear a lot. Something I once even said through my own lips. But now I know… no love isn’t enough. But true love is. True, whole bonded love. The kind where you ach when your separated by even a single room. The kind of love that would make any perfectly happy person commit suicide if they lost that one person just because the pain of that separation is so unbearable. The kind of love that would make you a mushy puppy just by a single kiss from that certain someone. How could anyone ever build the nerve to try and separate a couple as such… better ask my parents. The only people in this damn world who cant see that this man brought me back to life, gave me a heart, and made it beat so hard out of happiness. So where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Who do I want to do it with?

I want to be someplace that’s mine and mine alone. Nothing belonging to my parents. Just mine. Mine to share with whom I will. I want to share it with my soulmate, the love of my life, the one whom breathed life back in me, the one who loves me so much he would take me away from all this if I let him. I don’t care what I do… as long as it isn’t retail, or anything to do with manipulating and takeing advantage of people.

Do I burn the bridges? I am trying not to. But there iss a point in my life, that I can see ahead, that will require me to tell my parents they can be satisfied with my choices and be in my life silently, or they can enjoy there lives without me in it.

How could i be so cruel? How could I even think of abandoning my family? You might ask such things. The answer is this, if you had to choose between the family that raised you and the family you want to raise.. what would you choose?